Sometimes, Wanting To Get Married Isn’t About Marriage

11/2018

There used to be this notion that a widow/er had to wait a specific amount of time after their spouse died to date again.  I’ve contended for about a decade that the only two people who truly understand a marriage are the two people who are in it.  Alongside that, when that marriage is over for whatever reason, the choice if and when to date is solely up to the individual.

I never set out to get into another relationship after Kevin died, but I never thought I’d meet anyone like my Sweetie.  He’s a wonderful man and wasn’t scared off by my widowhood label.  We enjoyed each other’s company and were kind to each other.  We’re still that way, but as time passed, we fell in love.

About a year and a half after Kevin died, I began to have a new thought when cuddling with my Sweetie:  “Marry me.”  I knew that there was something more to that thought than wanting to be a wife again.  There had to be–I knew that I didn’t want to get married again (still don’t).  I was finally finding autonomy and was just starting to comprehend how obligation in a relationship was a breeding ground for resentment.

As those thoughts kept happening over the next few months, I started to take note of them and see if there was a pattern.  There was–in that moment,  I felt bliss.  I was starting to build a new life with my Sweetie where I didn’t have to give up anything.  I could love someone without having to amend my true self, and I was offering the same kind of love in return.  I felt content, loved, and happy to a degree I never imagined feeling after Kevin died.  I didn’t want those moments to end.

Upon further introspection, I realized that “marry me” actually meant “I’m so happy being with you in this moment and I want to capture this feeling forever.”

I extended that thought a bit more–is that why so many people rush into marriages that end up failing? It made sense. The notion of romance is alive and well, and we love a good fairy tale. Who wouldn’t want to see a movie of a woman who had a tumultuous relationship with a genius, lose him to suicide, and meet someone again who helps her heal and they get married? I might. But willingly choose that path? Nope. Fiction can be tinkered with to near perfection, but time goes by too quickly for that luxury.

11/2020:

Well, I was kinda surprised to find this draft. I’d completely forgotten about this draft that never got posted. I think back then, it was a little bit too personal. Or I simply forgot about it, as I got a job a couple days after I started the draft.

Marriage is a different thing for me now. I’d love to get married, but the kind of marriage I’m after isn’t available in my country. For now, in addition to Sweetie, there is Darling. We’ve got this neat little Triad going and it’s going quite well. It would be ridiculous to think of only two of us marrying each other. It’s tempting to want to make a test case of plural marriage, but that’s a battle I’m not willing to fight. My relationship is not a test case, but a relationship, and I don’t want to attract attention because I feel like society has to legitimize my relationship. We’re so not there yet as a society, unfortunately. Expanding domestic partnerships to more than two people is a start. That would be huge in giving people in poly relationships legal protection without having to string together the proper paperwork.

1/2021:

Laughing at myself for not posting this yet. I’m learning that it’s better to get the thoughts out as coherently as possible, rather than to let something sit and never get expressed. I started writing again because I loved it and I missed it.

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