Month: August 2020

Narrative Mostly Freewriting #5

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Sitting on the couch, listening to Birdland, Weather Report style. Low key dancing because I want to write, not move around.

Widowhood Season #6 is coming to a close. It’s the time I allow myself to be a little more pensive about Kevin and that era of my life.

Ah, Goodbye Pork Pie Hat is on. I haven’t heard a lot of Jeff Beck, but I’ve loved what I’ve heard. Something about talented musicians getting into a recording studio and having fun makes for delicious music.

So yeah, the Season. It hasn’t been too bad. I’ve accepted that I’m gonna be a little moody and certain songs may prompt anxiety or tears. That happens when one spent nearly half her life with someone and ended up being the only surviving being from that time. I know that’s a big deal, but then I look over to my Sweetie, who’s shown me what true love is, and I shrug. Kevin didn’t want me to dwell on my life with him. Now that I have a full time job and an apartment, there’s less time to dwell on memories.

Sweetie and I decided to go for a drive in my Miata with the top down. Be it ever so native SoCal resident, we went through the local In-N-Out drive through. There’s so many ways to get anywhere around here, so I drove a completely different way home. Was a bit surprised to find a sobriety checkpoint, but those are easy when one is sober. 🙂

I do miss Kevin still. I’ve found myself wanting to share stuff with him and Golden Ears lately. I decided to watch the Hash episode of Barney Miller again because I missed them both. Sometimes it’s still hard to believe they’re both gone, along with too many others. Did Devo call it? “The lucky ones are gonna be the first to go.”

And yes, the world is going to remember Robin Williams on Tuesday. I felt it fitting that I ended my Widowhood Season on his death day, because of how it felt to watch the world mourn his loss while I was mourning a similar loss. So cruel for him to get a brutal type of dementia. He never said good-bye to us, and that sucks. I think it would have been easier if he said that he was no longer the Robin we all love and he was going to quietly fade away from the public eye. I think we would have given him that. I would have. The jokes about karma alone would have been brilliant!

Surviving Amour Fou #3: Amour without Fou

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Kevin’s birthday is August 10th. Made plans to visit a friend, as I requested the day off.

Some may find it hard to believe that I still see Kevin as my soulmate. Well, he was. It was a bond like no other. When it was good, it was really really good, and when it was bad, it was horrendous. I knew that a few years into it, and yet I couldn’t walk away. My soul called out to this man. I’m not gonna deny it. It’s like that old Jackson 5 song, “Never Can Say Goodbye.”

Were the last 7 years hard? Hell yes. It’s over and I can’t change those years. I’ve allowed myself to grieve and feel all the complicated emotions that resulted from those 18 years of my life. So yeah, he was my soulmate, and I can miss him deeply at times even though he hurt me on levels no other person has. Ya gotta take the Fou with the Amour sometimes. But it’s a choice, and I’m glad I had those years with Kevin even though they really sucked sometimes.

Am I in a way healthier relationship now? Yes. By leaps and bounds and in ways beyond my wildest dreams. We’ve got an apartment now! To be where we can be our better selves in our own controlled environment that isn’t shared with any outsiders. This is a huge thing, and it’s wonderful! We’ve got a couple of fish tanks. I finally have a small school of neon tetras. Some of the housewifey stuff has definitely kicked back into gear, but it’s not much in the grand scheme of things, and I’m not doing everything. I love doing dishes in the morning before work. I love being able to blast music while taking a shower in the morning. I haven’t been this autonomous in a very long time.

It’s a little odd to have all of these pieces of furniture in the same place: One piece of the bedroom set I used to have as a kid, the Ikea coffee table Kevin got right after we met, a couch that my Mom got from my Aunt, a table from my Mom, and a footlocker from my Dad. Good, though, because all of this is who I’ve been up until this point. We’re starting from scratch, really, so we might as well use what we have or other people don’t need. Besides, my strengths in the relationship have more to do with numbers than aesthetics.

Having this new home is a wonderful thing. I feel so much more relaxed generally. I have a lot more space and freedom to do what I want and not feel like I have to censor parts of myself. But it was a necessary tradeoff to start working towards the present day, and I was fortunate to even have the opportunity in the first place.

Queer Eye has rubbed off on me–I took advantage of a great deal and got new clothes for thrift store prices. It enabled me to have a better work wardrobe. I’m so happy, though I need to set up a good ironing station or get better with the steam iron.

Started watching Avatar: The Last Airbender. I wasn’t the target audience when it first aired, so I missed it completely. I’ve seen Korra before, but it’s been so long that I’m going to have to watch it again. Great universe done very well by good ol’ Nickelodeon.

Oh, what a lucky nerd I am. 🙂

Year Six

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I’ve had a new apartment with Sweetie for three weeks. I’m still trying to get used to it.

Sweetie got a job in June while I was on vacation with him and Darling. It was a great opportunity, so off he went. That signaled that it was finally time to look for a place. (It also gave me alone time with Darling, which is rather rare, actually.)

At the very end of June, I mentioned to my sister that I was looking for an apartment. She told me that an apartment just like hers opened up two buildings down. That was June 30th. We got the keys for the apartment on July 11th. We’re not fully moved in yet, but I refuse to stress over it. I budgeted storage space along with everything else, so I know it’s covered as long as I need it. We’re still gonna need one of the spaces anyway, as I have a lot of stuff I want to keep and don’t really need.

Darling is here to visit for a few days. He was here for a few days two weekends ago. It’s so good to have him here! Finally, we have a place of our own that we can cook and control the temperature! We got some hand-me-downs for the basic household stuff, plus we’re adding in the stuff we already had. Sweetie scored a king sized bed! You really can’t have anything smaller for a Triad, anyway.

Naturally, we have fish again. One 10 gallon tank is the starter tank for Sweetie and Darling. They want to start rescuing interesting looking feeder goldfish, so there’s a couple of those and a nice koi that Darling really liked. The 30 gallon will be up and running soon so all those guys have more room to roam.

It’s good to have a place where I can be me again. It’s great to live with Sweetie again. It’s spectacular to know that Darling is going to join us permanently in the near future. The three of us have a place where we can love each other for who we are, freely. Where we can be who we are, honestly.

And that, in this day and age, is rare and I treasure it deeply.

Looks like Year Six of Widowhood’s gonna be pretty good.

I have my own 10 gallon with 9 neon tetras named Eric (Monty Python reference) and an orange and pink glow shark named Nymphadora (Harry Potter reference). I’ve wanted a lot of neon tetras for awhile, so it’s great to have them.

I have the old Ikea coffee table that Kevin bought right after I met him. It’s weird for it to be in a living room again. Hey, it’s still in good condition and a perfect start to a larger tank for the koi and goldfish down the road.